Mental Health and Motherhood

I had a conversation years ago with a friend about her difficult childhood and history of mental health issues. She mentioned that she hadn't told her kids about any of it to protect them. This discussion prompted me to think about how I would discuss these topics with my children, if ever. They were so little back then, but I wanted to be prepared to talk to them about mental health.

Some things that greatly influenced my decision:

✦ My own experiences

I grew up in a dysfunctional environment. Looking back, I can clearly see that my parents had some issues that they either didn't want or didn't know how to address. If they had been willing to seek help, and to be open about any past trauma or mental illnesses, I would have a better perspective in adulthood with which I could use to understand them. Being able to understand to some extent why they did what they did would be immensely helpful on my path to recovery.

✦ Their risk of mental health issues

I hope upon hope that my children will not have any mental illnesses, and no major trauma. But hoping isn't enough. It is possible they will suffer from depression or anxiety, if not other disorders. Unfortunately, even children are at risk of suicide. If I don't discuss my mental health struggles, how can I expect them to be aware of their own, let alone come to me about it? In my opinion, the best protection against these things that I can provide to my children, is to talk to them.

✦ I don't want them to blame themselves

I believe it is very important that my children do not blame themselves for the days I seem sad, frustrated, or detached. These are three feelings I suffer through the most as a person with major depression and anxiety.

✦ Ending the stigma

Even if they don't end up with mental illnesses, the world needs to open up and talk about mental health! Even without mental health issues, mental health is still so important! I want my children to be part of the next generations that speak up and out about the importance of taking care of our minds. If they aren't suffering mental illness, surely they will know people that do. Advocating for mental health starts at home!

I started talking to my children about my mental health and past in kid-friendly terms when they were 7 and 8 years old. They started asking questions such as:

✧ Where are their grandparents and why don't they see them anymore?

✧ Why am I so tired all the time? Why do I rest so much?

✧ Why don't I seem interested in doing anything fun sometimes?

✧ Why I am upset so much?

Kids notice things; I tried to hide away from them when I could. when I needed to cry. Guess what they noticed? My puffy, red eyes. Children are incredibly observant, even when you might not think so.

The tricky thing is talking to kids in a way that isn't overexposing them. You should never treat your child as if they are your therapist or emotional support (and unfortunately this is something some parents do - including my own). There are certain aspects they really don't need to know, possibly ever. And sometimes if you have an issue with a loved one, you can't drag the little ones into your own issues with them, because it will affect their relationship with that loved one.

In my case, I went No Contact with my parents a few years ago to protect my children, husband, and myself. So in that way, it was a little easier to explain a small bit of my past situation.

Now, my kids are 9 and 10, and I am so glad I've opened up these discussions with them. They understand that when I'm struggling it isn't their fault. They know they can tell me about positive and negative feelings. They get (to some extent) why they can't see my parents. I've given them a view of me that I think will one day help them analyse their childhoods, their identities. They will know that despite my issues, I love them and did my best for them. I can't give them a completely "normal" childhood - that is, one where their mother isn't held back by mental illness. So, I have to give them the gift of perspective, one I didn't get for my parents.

I'm by no means a perfect parent, and I still have so much to learn. I believe I will always have stuff to learn. I can't protect them from every bad thing the world has to throw at them, but I have broken the cycle of what I went through, and learned from it. I'm not just hoping for them; I'm trying for them, too. And that can make a big difference.